Clever Quips, Quotes, and Smore…

I like to collect clever quips, quotes, and statistics. Here are some for your enjoyment:

“USA Today has come out with a new survey – apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.” (David Letterman) “The trouble with a rat race is that even when you win, you’re still a rat.” (Lily Tomlin) “Committee – a group of people who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.” (Fred Allen) “When the path ahead of you is uphill, surrounded by rough spots, hazards and obstacles: use a pitching wedge.” (Lee Brachen) “If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?” (think about that and say Amen!)

“It is believed that Shakespeare was 46 around the time that the King James Version of the Bible was written. In Psalm 46, the 46th word from the first word is “shake”and the 46th word from the last word is spear.” (hmm) “A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation’s state legislators.” (Dave Berry, on how statistics can be used to prove anything)

“I know statistically if you don’t get married, you’re less likely to get divorced.” (Craig Ferguson) “If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.” (unknown)Isn’t Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?” (anonymous) “If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?” (anonymous)

“I’m not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” (Woody Allen) “I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll make an exception.” (Groucho Marx) “We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon. (Paula Poundstone) “What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?” (George Carlin)

Finally some anonymous ones:

“The last thing I want to do is insult you. But it IS on the list.” “Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.” “Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.” “Help stamp out, eliminate, and abolish redundancy”! “Jesus loves you, it’s everyone else who thinks your an idiot.” “Why did the chicken go to the seance? To get to the other side.” “How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.” “Sometimes I just want to go to IKEA, hide in a wardrobe, and wait for someone to open it and yell ‘Welcome to Narnia!'”

Finally (this time I mean it), in honor of Valentines Day:

“I looked in my wallet and it was empty. I looked in my pockets and they were empty. Then I looked in my heart and found you, and realized that you had taken all my money.” “People say you can’t live without love. But I think oxygen is more important.” “Isn’t it ironic that we have Valentines Day at the height of flu season?”  “Will you be my Valentine? That was a rhetorical question, you have no choice- we’re married.”  “Love one another as I have loved you.” (Jesus) “We love because he first loved us.” (St John)

 

 

 

 

The Children’s Bible in a Nutshell

 

This could very well be the way some child began to understand the Bible. You will find it humorous because (thankfully) your understanding has grown:

“In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas.  The Bible says, ‘The Lord thy God is one,’but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a light!’ and someone did. Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve.  Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden…..Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham.  Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.  Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.  Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.  Moses led the Israel Lights out of  Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people.  These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.  Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more:’Humor thy father and thy mother.’

One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies.  Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David.  He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot.  He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines.  My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.  One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament.  Jesus is the star of The New.  He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, ‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’ It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’)

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus.  Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man.  He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot.  Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus.  He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.  He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminium.  His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.”

Amen

 

Word Play…Puns and S’more

play on wordsI love language and the way our brains process the words we use. God has given both to us so that we can learn, communicate, and laugh! If English is not your first language, you may have trouble with some of these. However, they may also help you learn the language better:

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do they do with chemists when they die? They barium.

Jokes about German food are the wurst.

Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He thinks he can stop at any time.

I knew a girl who was so cross-eyed that when she cried tears ran down her back. They claimed she had bacteria.

I stayed up all night last night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me…

The girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I had never seen herbivore.

I’m reading a great book on anti-gravity and I just can’t put it down.

They told me I had Type A blood, but it was a Type O.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

People die all the time; then I realized I could wake up dead tomorrow!

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A Thesaurus.

When you get a bladder infection, you know urine trouble.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then all of a sudden it hit me!

My pastor is a vast suppository of theological knowledge. (Note the malapropism?)

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Velcro- what a rip off!

My new theory on inertia doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.

It is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Maybe s’more next week…

Puns for the New Year

Every once in awhile I get into this mood where I feel like throwing some humor into my blog. So here are some puns that I saved up from 2013. Happy New Year!

Did you hear about the butcher who accidentally backed into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work. Did you hear about the dentist who married a manicurist? They fight tooth and nail! Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa. Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He’s all right now. Have you seen Quasimodo? I have a hunch he’s back! How do snakes end a fight? They hiss and make up.

What’s the difference between boogers and broccoli? Kids won’t eat broccoli. What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care. Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep. Where does a one-armed man shop? At a second hand store. Why can’t a woman ask her brother for help? Because he can’t be a brother and assist her too. What goes “Tick tock, woof woof”? A watch dog. What is Beethoven doing in his coffin right now? Decomposing. What’s happening when you hear “woof…splat…meow…splat?” It’s raining cats and dogs. What do frogs eat with their hamburgers? French flies. What do polo players get from spending all afternoon in the saddle? Poloroids.

What do you call a frightened scuba diver? Chicken of the sea. What do you call a monster with no neck? The Lost Neck Monster. What do you get when you cross a duck with a computer? A quackintosh. What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and legs. How did Michael Jackson pick his nose? From a catalog. What did God say when Joan of Arc showed up at the Pearly Gates? “Well done.” (You have to know your history for that one.)

What did one cloned sheep say to the other? “I am ewe.” What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved. What did one potato chip say to the other? Shall we go for a dip? What did the painter say to the wall? “One more crack and I’ll plaster you!” Our library has so many books they had to put it in a multi-story building. A vampire walks into a bar, and asks for a “Large glass of A-positive blood.” The bartender looks him square in the eyes, and says “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve your type here!” Did you hear about the guy who gave narcotics to seagulls? He left no tern unstoned.

How do you know you are getting Old? When you and your teeth no longer sleep together. When you wake up looking like your driver’s license picture. When it takes twice as long to look half as good. When the twinkle in your eye is merely the sun’s reflection on your bi-focals. When “Happy Hour” is a nap. When you sit in your rocking chair and you can’t get it going.

Finally, a Sunday school story: Noticing that one of her students was making faces at another child across the table, Ms. Smith gently reproved the child by saying: “Johnny, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, my face might freeze and stay that way.” Johnny looked up and replied, “Well, Ms. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”
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Word Press sent me this yearly assessment of my little blog. I thought it might be of interest to some of you. What really surprised me is the number of countries in which “Just a Thought” is being read:

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 12,000 times in 2013. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 4 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.