I am waiting for a scan to be taken to see if I am cancer free. I have been here in the waiting room for an hour and have consumed 2 large glasses of barium- yuck. This room is where it all started last April- a scan to show I had a mass. Now I will find out whether all the chemo and radiation and surgery have accomplished their work.
I feel very lonely even though I have a great support system, and my thoughts are restless with concern. I’m not afraid, but I am worried. On the one hand, I trust the Lord and know he has this in his control. On the other hand, I’m plagued by the thought “but what do I do if I’m not clear? Is it the beginning of the end? How do I break the news to the kids?”
Once again, I am not accomplishing anything by sitting here shoveling smoke like this except to make myself nervous and anxious. The Lord already knows the outcome and he will not leave me. “Father I consciously surrender myself into your living care. I trust in your plan for me and will not pull myself away from that plan. As a father has compassion upon his children so you have compassion upon those who fear you. And I do!”
Ok, they just called me to come and get scanned. Here goes…
Later in the evening:
I just received word from my oncologist that my scans were clear and my C19-9 antigen (a marker for cancer) was normal. The scans and blood test will be repeated in 3 months.
I feel a burden lifted, as if one of my teachers had just cancelled the final exam in a class where I didn’t understand the subject. I praise the God of Grace who has given me relief, undeserving as I am. It was God’s will to call one of my friends home to himself this past weekend, while it was his will to give me an extension. “Who has known the mind of the Lord or who has been his counselor?”
I just WhatsApp ‘d all my kids with the news and am going to bed now to receive another gift from God- sleep. “He gives to his beloved sleep.” Thank you Lord!