Puns for the New Year

Every once in awhile I get into this mood where I feel like throwing some humor into my blog. So here are some puns that I saved up from 2013. Happy New Year!

Did you hear about the butcher who accidentally backed into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work. Did you hear about the dentist who married a manicurist? They fight tooth and nail! Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa. Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He’s all right now. Have you seen Quasimodo? I have a hunch he’s back! How do snakes end a fight? They hiss and make up.

What’s the difference between boogers and broccoli? Kids won’t eat broccoli. What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care. Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep. Where does a one-armed man shop? At a second hand store. Why can’t a woman ask her brother for help? Because he can’t be a brother and assist her too. What goes “Tick tock, woof woof”? A watch dog. What is Beethoven doing in his coffin right now? Decomposing. What’s happening when you hear “woof…splat…meow…splat?” It’s raining cats and dogs. What do frogs eat with their hamburgers? French flies. What do polo players get from spending all afternoon in the saddle? Poloroids.

What do you call a frightened scuba diver? Chicken of the sea. What do you call a monster with no neck? The Lost Neck Monster. What do you get when you cross a duck with a computer? A quackintosh. What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and legs. How did Michael Jackson pick his nose? From a catalog. What did God say when Joan of Arc showed up at the Pearly Gates? “Well done.” (You have to know your history for that one.)

What did one cloned sheep say to the other? “I am ewe.” What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved. What did one potato chip say to the other? Shall we go for a dip? What did the painter say to the wall? “One more crack and I’ll plaster you!” Our library has so many books they had to put it in a multi-story building. A vampire walks into a bar, and asks for a “Large glass of A-positive blood.” The bartender looks him square in the eyes, and says “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve your type here!” Did you hear about the guy who gave narcotics to seagulls? He left no tern unstoned.

How do you know you are getting Old? When you and your teeth no longer sleep together. When you wake up looking like your driver’s license picture. When it takes twice as long to look half as good. When the twinkle in your eye is merely the sun’s reflection on your bi-focals. When “Happy Hour” is a nap. When you sit in your rocking chair and you can’t get it going.

Finally, a Sunday school story: Noticing that one of her students was making faces at another child across the table, Ms. Smith gently reproved the child by saying: “Johnny, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, my face might freeze and stay that way.” Johnny looked up and replied, “Well, Ms. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”
Word Press sent me this yearly assessment of my little blog. I thought it might be of interest to some of you. What really surprised me is the number of countries in which “Just a Thought” is being read:

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 12,000 times in 2013. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 4 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

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